Monday, July 19, 2010

I've got scooter bites!

My oldest sister and her family came back from their vacation...Just in time to see my hot ride!

Yes, A 2010 Black Challenger! As soon as I pulled into the driveway of my parents house I was bombarded with questions from my little nephews, Jacob and Dylan. I quickly answered as my bro in law Mike practically yanked the keys out of my hand to take her for a spin; my sister on his heels for the front seat. As me and my mom chatted watching my sister and her husband drive in the sunset in MY car we looked behind us to see their two boys left behind. We were certain they weren't coming back.

My eight year old nephew asked me the same question over and over again. "When'd you get it?When'd you get it? When'd you get it?" Finally, after answering "yesterday" everytime, I grabbed his cheeks with my hands and pulled him until our foreheads were pushed together and we looked like cyclops (so close it looked like we had one eye) and said, "Dylan, listen to me. I. Got. The. Car. Yesterday." I tried to keep my patience and straight face but his constant giggling didn't help me much.

I felt like a carnival ride, promising to give Jacob and Dylan a ride in my car around the back of my mom's neighborhood. When we were walking down the porch steps, I announced, "Y'all are sitting in the back seat!"

"Why?" They asked.

"Because I'm not listening to y'all argue over the front."

"But we WON'T!" Jacob said forcing all of his attitude to the last word in all his sentences.

"Fine, who's sitting in the front then?"

"I am because I'm the oldest!" Dylan claimed.

"But I want to sit in the front!" Jacob said.

"That's what I thought, get in the back!" I said.

The first 5 seconds we were in the car, not even fully buckled in I had to yell at Jacob twice..."GET YOU FEET OUT OF MY SEAT!" as he trampled my brand new, untouched by cheeks seat with his grassy skateboard shoes. But of course he argued with me...

"JoJo I didn't put my feet in your SEAT!"

"Jake I saw you."

"Nu UH!"

As I was just about to pull out the drive way, Sara and her crew pulled up! I hollered if they wanted to ride (Lillie and Austin) but of course Lillie thought she was too good for my car and Emmy was too young but Austin hopped into the front seat.

"Why does he get to sit in the front?" Dylan whined and all I could do was drop my head to the steering wheel and only one thought crossed my mind...

We were sitting around the dinner table...Mike was lecturing me how to wash my car..."Please don't towel dry." he begged.

"I don't use a towel to dry my car."

"How do you dry your car?"

"I air dry." and instantly his head fell to his hands. There was a trip to Autozone shortly after to pick up some more appropriate supplies to make sure my car stays shiny and scratch free.

Carrie was yelling at my sisters IPhone at the Angry birds game and Sara was most likely applying her 12Th coat of chap stick. Lille walked in from outside, "Momma, I got scooter bites!"

"I will get you some scooter repellent!" Sara said as if the most natural thing in the world...My family is sooo redneck!

"My ship has finally come in"

“My ship has finally come in” a saying that I’ve never heard until this past Sunday.

“So Mr. Ray, My ship has finally come in.” Jeff said, while I’m looking at my mom as she looked over towards their conversation and then to my sister Sara who was rolling her eyes when he said it. We were all sitting at the kitchen table while dad and Jeff were fixing their plates on the other side of the kitchen. Jeff explained that a new department will be available to him and he will be able to work on cars, which is what he actually went to school for.

“What does this have to do with a ship?” I asked.

“It has nothing to do with a ship. I don’t even know why he says that.” Sara said.

“It’s an expression!” Jeff huffed, “Meaning something I’ve been waiting for has happened.” I ignored his know it all tone and continued eating my mother’s lasagna. My dad either didn’t hear our banter or ignored it completely and continued asking Jeff questions about this new department Jeff was so girlishly excited about!

After a few moments of making funny faces with my niece Emmy from across the table ( as she helped herself into her Nonnie’s lap and to her nonnie's plate of lasagna) Jeff had finally finished talking about himself…I mean his new job that he was so girlishly excited about. I asked, “So these cars” I paused, as I finished chewing “Would you be working on them on the ship?”

I thought my mom was going to spew her diet coke on the table and across from me Sara started to immediately cough from choking on her food asshe began to laugh. I looked over at Jeff who was sitting at the bar with an exasperated look on his face.

“There is no ship Joanna!” he said frustrated.

My older sister, Carrie and her boys were enjoying their vacation so they missed out on the family celebration.

I was thinking that I could get some quality time with my nieces and nephew Austin since the two terrors, Dylan and Jacob weren’t going to be around. I was wrong. Austin was one with his Nintendo DS and the only thing you could see was the glow of his DS from under the bill of his hat. Lilly told me that I couldn’t look at her numerous times and when I did I think she cursed me. Even after she fell and hit her funny bone and started to cry she yelled at me when I tried to pick her up and make her laugh again! You know it’s going to be a good visit when you’re being scolded by your three year old niece. Emily... always the one to go to for the loving, but you better be ready to share you drink with her.

Friday, July 2, 2010

The Fam!

Everyone who has known me since high school, the past 5 years or even the last 6 months knows that every Sunday of mine is occupied. They know not to make plans with me and if they don't know and they ask me to go somewhere or hang out they will either get one of two responses, "Sunday Dinner." or "Are you kidding True Blood is coming on."
Yes, Sunday dinners with my family every Sunday since my oldest sister Carrie moved out the eons ago when I was in middle school. A ritual that my mother started because she refused to lose touch with her oldest daughter and the trend continued when my middle sister Sara moved out, then back in, then back out again. The ritual definitely stuck when the baby (me) moved out and begged to come back but before I was able to take the last box out of my room, my mom already had half her sewing gear arranged in her new craft room. I knew I couldn't come back after that. I felt the love Mom!
Our Sunday evenings consist of a chaotic cluster of events that are nothing but laughter. Whether it be my mom laughing over something funny or my sisters laughing from going delirious and losing their minds or their husbands laughing at them its laughter all the same but no matter if Sara leaves aggravated because her daughter threw bath water in her face or if Carrie leaves early from being driven insane from her boys I'm still doing my happy dance in the middle of my mothers kitchen at some point during the visit. Something like this...

My mother has told me over and over that I needed to create a blog about our family gatherings and since I know its best to listen to your mother, here I go.

First, the family tree, of course. Oh yea and since I don't have any recent pictures of my family I will lead to the imagination as best as I can.

Mother, Denise, the greatest hero there is! The most down to earth person I know! The coolest Mom there is.

This man gets his real picture; My Dad, Ray, A true old fashioned country man. He could have his own book of what we call Ray-isms filled with quotes like, "I tell you what." and "Well, If you'd open your eyes." and my personal favorite "Money don't grow on trees."

This truly seemed fitting for my oldest sister, Carrie. She married her high school sweet heart and got her two boys, Dylan and Jacob and while she loves them with all heart, I've noticed that the amount of times that shes yells, "GOD I can't wait to go back to work!" has increased. She should also just replace her right hand with a paddle because she's always looking for a wooden spoon in my moms kitchen. She thinks she's too good for Face book but loves Nascar, WWE and UFC like no bodies business.

Mike, Carrie's hubby. True manly man, hunting, fishing, four wheeler riding.

Oh Sara, my middle sister, middle child syndrome to the max. She claims I'm adopted and will believe it until the day she dies. Was going to send me a letter in the mail when I was home sick at girl scout camp telling me that the fam picked up and went to Disney World while I was gone. Yea, I know, evil but that's okay, she's getting it back and worse. No one would've ever thought Sara would be the nurturing mother when we were young, with trapping me in a sleeping bags and holding me under water in the pool when were kids and all! But with her step son Austin and two daughters Lily and Emily she we were proved wrong, but boy does she have her hands, feet, diaper bag, purse, car,house, insanity full. She's constantly got one at the heels of her feet, the other in her lap and another on her shoulders. which is why I'm constantly doing this...

Honestly, this guy except 6 foot 4 and this is my bro in law Jeff. Prays to his BBQ pit and endless movie collection every night and believes that dinner time doesn't start till 8 at night. He can have a whole conversation with you with quotes from family guy.

And Last but not least, the perfect couple. The couple with the love story that that will be passed down from child to child and their children and their children. It will be that fairy tale love story that brings loved ones closer together, inspire those who aren't in love to find it and those who mistreat it to make it right. Yep, the charming romantic story of two people who found each other by fate in the produce section of walmart.